1001 bad ideas for the new millennium

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1. open a store called sticky fingers where store employees are paid to pickpocket customers while they browse

2. open a skydiving/birthing center where midwives deliver babies when the chute opens 

3. become the first person to be sentenced to prison for never using emojis in your electronic communication. as the prosecution successfully argues: "over the years, he caused numerous co-workers, friends, and loved ones untold psychological damage. 'what exactly did he mean by that?' his victims were forced to ask themselves. time and time again, he broke the social covenant that binds an always-online society together."  

4. release a health beverage called zero water - an empty bottle with zero amount of water or anything else inside, but the bottle is artisinalaf

5. market a line of feces-based organic shampoos called shampoopoo

6. start an online garbage delivery service called hello trash! where customers order weekly garbage bags of curated trash delivered to their door

7. open a restaurant called biohazard where the wait staff all wear full hazmat suits

8. launch a party service called dental rental where you rent dentists out for birthday parties. kids arrive expecting ice cream and cake and end up getting their teeth cleaned.

9. produce a children's show for the era of kid's zoom calls called the teleconferencetubbies

10. pitch the idea for a dinosaur/government bureaucratic farce sitcom called jurassic parks and recreation

11. market a line of snack foods that are selectively misspelled:

• barbara's chocolate chip cooties​

1. begin your stand-up comedy routine with the question "who here is gonna miss shitting and pissing when they die? raise your hand."

2. launch a lifestyle website called trendshitter, where the writers are instructed to both ridicule and revere the influencers and products they cover

3. insist on the benny hill theme song being played in an endless loop at your funeral

4. greenlight an mtv reality show called cribs, where pregnant celebrities show off their designer baby cribs

5. pitch a sopranos/lord of the rings mashup starring actor james gandalfini

6. found a flight school that specializes in teaching kids under five how to fly helicopters. it's so successful that a decade later, 46% of all professional helicopter pilots are between the ages of 7-13.

7. institute a series of bizarre judging criteria for popular events:

   • sat scores and gpas for swimsuit contests

   • mandatory limerick writing for teams competing in the superbowl, evaluated on humour and originality

   • an entire season of dancing with the stars where contestants are evaulated on how well they dance while wearing blocks of ice on their feet

   • all grammy award performers must include a kazoo solo in their performance

8. pitch a movie called forest grump, about a misanthropic son of a bitch who shows up in all the key moments of 20th century american history

9. start saying things when you're hungry, like "i could smersh the hell out of some pie right now"

10. produce a reality game show called america's almost got talent

11. start calling short skinny people "treble ninjas"

12. greenlight a comedy mashup called leave it to beaver and butthead

13. launch a food delivery service called sticky mule that delivers candied mule steaks

14. open a restaurant called landfill, located in an actual landfill, where customers have to climb a hill of trash to get to the entrance

15. market a hardcore feminist snack food called nut busters

16. open a store called refund, where customers are required to bring products back for a refund within 30 days. if they don't, collection agents are dispatched to their home. then open another store called wrapper, that only sells boxes and wrappers of products, not the prodcuts themselves.

17. market a line of smurfs-themed feminine hygiene products

18. start using the invented chat acronym: lsmrn ("literally shitting myself right now") in as many text exchanges as you can

19. start a meal selfie delivery service called selfie, which delivers thumbdrives of food selfies to people's homes

20. pitch an idea for a reality show called toilet tasters, about depraved people who travel from gas station to gas station, licking the insides of their toilet bowls

21. open a hippy eatery called compost, where the dishes are served on a bed of compost

22. start a new social media trend: influencers posting selfies of themselves buried alive in a coffin

23. convince hallmark to release the sassy, classy, and gassy line of friendship appreciation cards for that special flatulent friend in your life

24. open a bar called locker room where all the drinks are made with alcohol-infused gatorade and everyone must strip down and only wear a towel

25. try to popularize a new type of women's aerobics called quackercise, where they make loud quacking sounds while waddling around

26. open a discount store called smash n' grab whose logo shows someone throwing a brick through storefront glass

27. open a restaraunt called our call, where the waitstaff order for the customers based on the first impression of their personality

28. insist on carrying your emotional support shark with you onto the plane

29. open a restaurant called musical chairs, where customers must quickly switch seats at random tables when the maitre d’ randomly blows a whistle, and must eat whatever is on the plate at where they now sit. 

30. market a line of perfumes with bizarre names: 

    • silence in the library​

    • boy and blade

    • little lamb lost its way

    • robot holiday

31. open a bakery called the tart fart, where farting is encouraged

32. open a hong kong phooey-themed pizza parlor where the waitstaff is encourage to randomly karate chop customers

33. launch a softcore porn site for necrophiliacs called horizontal heartthrobs

34. form a band called spoiler alert! where the lyrics to all your songs give away the endings of contemporary books, movies, and tv shows

35. replace all hour values with the names of dead presidents, so when someone asks you what time it is, reply with things like "it's half past jackson"

36. market a line of cayenne pepper/sandpaper kleenex

37. found an outdoor music festival called the shuddershit music fest - combination of hardcore horror bands and lots of laxative-laced foods for sale, with only a single porta potty 

38. develop a gated suburban community named breezy twat estates

39. introduce jello wrestling as a legitimate college sport

40. start a monthly prank phone call service where customers can have the business prank call the people of their choice

41. start a company called toilet testers inc, where strangers come to your home to use your toilet, then rate it on a yelp! style site

42. launch a service that reunites bullies with their grade school victims: "helping you relive the daily cycle of violence and intimidation

43. rent-a-dentist: hire a dentist to shadow you when you brush each morning, where they evaluate your technique and remind you to floss

44. start a service called wipe me, for the otherwise healthy who are too lazy to wipe their own ass. text them 20 min ahead of time and they'll send somone over to wipe you.

45. pitch a weekend newspaper cartoon series called bijou bourgie, about the misadventures of a vapid social media influencer 

46. market a line of cabbage-flavored mouthwash

47. become mayor of your town and institute a townwide holiday called push a stranger day, where people can push people they don't know when they encounter them on the street

48. open an urgent care service called in no rush ("we're gonna take our sweet time getting to you"), a daycare called caligula daycare, and a dating site called you'll do for now (swipe "meh")

49. open a southern styled diner in the heart of brooklyn, where you serve dishes with names like country-fried lump

50. form an elite navy seal team that dresses exclusively in early 80s aerobic spandex and leg warmers

51. open a hybrid gym/ice-cream parlor called yin yang

52. open a roadside diner whose sign outside reads "eat kids free"

53. start a service called trouble bunny, for those times a person wants 500 rabbits placed in someone's home while they are away

54. submit a proposal to retrofit the remaining telephone booths across the usa into wanking booths, where people pay $5 for a 5-minute session to fap one out behind closed doors. "step right in, close the door, drop trou, and let it all out on the floor."

55. open a restaurant called fake news where the waitstaff all lie to you and the menu is full of misinformation

56. convince reader's digest to begin a monthly installment called online drama in real life, which recounts the gripping true stories of petty online squabbles

57. open a restaraunt called hiccup!, where anyone who gets the hiccups while eating there eats free 

58. market a camping product called poop blanket, which is a blanket that's been soaked in piss and feces for 2 year

59. open an ice cream parlor where all the flavors are both named after and laced with prescription drugs, then launch a line of anti-depressent microwave meals where prescription medication is a key ingredient

60. start a line of horrible cereals: oat pussers, whiskey-o's, #metoolovesgranola, 

61. open a bar called atlantis that only serves fish-infused drinks

62. start an investment company called monkey business where trained monkeys handle all the daily financials

63. open a diner called mo's crapper where all patrons are seated inside bathroom stalls

64. open a restaurant called stfu where speaking is prohibited

65. open a car called rub one out that caters to onanists. patrons are advised to wear raincoats.

66. open a restaurant called sis boom ra! where all the waitstaff are cheerleaders. they form a human pyramid by your table when they take your order, and cheerlead shout the daily specials and your order back to you, punctuating it with things like "let's go let's go gooooooo team!" 

67. start selling bags of your own feces under the label of "healing clay"

68. convince your local newspaper to start printing obituaries for people's cellphones and laptops that die

69. start a publishing company that publishes the memoirs of people who spend their lives watching tv and playing video games

70. start a fleet of delivery drones tasked with the autonomous delivery of dirty limericks anonymously to people 

71. start asking strangers on the street "what do you think of the anus as a whole?"

72. market a line of sugar-coated dental floss, chocolate-flavored mouthwash, and cheeto-flavored toothpaste for kids

73. market a cousin of the fat suit called the fart suit, for people who want to be far more flatulent than they really are

74. develop a line of ethically made vegan/hemp laptops and tablets that users must peal in place to generate power to use

75. launch a historical revisionist push to portray lyndon baines johnson as america's first queer-friendly president. produce a documentary called lbjgqt and create a poster with lbj's face colored in the lgbt rainbow color scheme.

76. convince hollywood to make another sequel to independence day: homecoming, this one called interdependence day, where the aliens and the humans have to work together to combat global warming. in a plot twist, the aliens of exiled citizens of long-lost atlantis, returned to earth after their million-year diaspora. "we're in this thing together" - bill pullman

77. start a delivery service that delivers lead-based paint to people's homes

78. launch a kickstarter campaign to rename the international space station from i.s.s. to i.s.i.s.

79. popularize a new mindfulness lifestyle movement called "the slow greeting movement" where people drastically slow down their speech when greeting someone. a single "hello" takes upwards of 2 minutes to pronounce. mindfulness gurus champion it as being part of the antidote to our hectic, always online lifestyle. tik tok becomes filled with videos of influencers showing off their new slow greeting styles. then follow that up with "the slow shitting movement" that espouses the 2-hour shit. gwtneth paltrow devotes an episode of her goop podcast to slow shitting, with a webinar where her and her users share bathroom cam feeds of them all taking a 90-min dump. "the most authentic shit i've ever taken!" "wiping afterward felt like a celebration of self" "smooth and long, just like it should" are among the testimonials.

80. publish a glossy canine fashion magazine called doggy style

81. start posting weird things on craigslist:

    • for sale: 500 baskets of gently used water​

    • wanted: two dozen hovedrivers with extra stencil spikes

    • emotionless blues band seeks catatonic lap steel player

    • quality derives, still in original wrapper, $500 firm

82. start complimenting strangers on their "industry smell"

83. open a trauma therapy clinic named save the drama for your mama

84. publish a cookbook that features recipes where similarly spelled clothing items are substituted for food:

• bandana muffins​

• balaclava

1. form a theremin-based country and western band

2. convince the smithsonian to begin selling freeze-dried astronaut shit in their gift shop. "just don't mistake it for the freeze-dried astronaut ice cream!" is the marketing slogan.

3. produce a surrealist version of jeopardy with challenges like "eight-legged word for snow: ______"

4. start a newspaper advice column called ask a woke work friend, where all the answers manage to circle back to white supremacist culture, even if the question is about keeping the sink clean or using a co-worker's coffee mug

5. pitch an ideology/fashion makeover show to vh1: qanon eye for the liberal guy. "from hemp to camo in two weeks"

6. make it your life's mission to combine as many cliches as possible in daily conversation: 

   • "he's grasping at straws that broke the camel's back"​

   • "give him an inch and he'll walk a mile in another man's shoes"

7. open a clothing store called skidmarks that only sells used underwear

8. market a brand of sexy seafood: strap-on salmon. "hold onto something, it's gonna be a wild ride"

9. pitch a sexy crime show to fox called better ball saul

10. open a packing store that includes among its services letting customers pay by the hour to stand in a corner and pop rolls of bubble wrap

11. publish a relationship advice book with the title men are from mars, women are from kandahar province

12. become a pro-facism rapper named lil' duterte

13. start a charity program for kids called turds for tots, where rich people send kids their gift-wrapped gold-flecked turds at christmas time

14. publish a recipe book of garbage-based foods: cranberry trash muffians, sewage al dente, etc

15. start a private space company with the sole purpose of spreading covid to other planets

16. convince the girl scouts to start selling cannabis-laced cookies

17. open a hip chain of "seefood" restaurants where diners may only look at the pictures of the food they order. it becomes a huge hit with influencers, breatharians, anorexics, food selfie curators, and celebrities. claim to offer electrolyte-infused air filtration that imbues patrons with "an almost subliminal level of nutritional satiation."

18. market a line of scratch and sniff feminine products

19. teach an exercise class at senior centers and morgues called extremely low-impact aerobics for the catatonic and the dead

20. open a store called sweatshop, that sells the bottled sweat of celebrities: the yeezy raquetball sweat line, etc.

21. become an international news reporter while still believing that the term sectarian violence refers to secretaries fighting

22. convince rupaul to host a fashion makeover show called queer eye for the qanon guy

23. get a job as a stand-in funeral attendee, attending on behalf of people who don't want to go

24. start a support group for parents worried their children aren't watching enough tv

25. usher in the trend of alcholic salads, covered in spiked salad dressings, and open an eatery called salad bar where patrons leave shit faced after a single salad

26. found a poetry festival called the shark attack poetry festival, with a ludicrously generous cash prize such that the world's best poets grudingly try their hand at writing poems about shark attacks

27. market a snack food named butterscortch thrizzle

28. form a sub-minimum wage electro duo called the sweatshop boys

29. develop a late night talkshow called eyeball to eyeball with cosmo twerkwood, where the host and guest have their faces pressed together nose to nose for the entire interview

30. convince hallmark to release a line of salty "i'd rather eat shit" rsvp cards

31. convince five of the most taciturn people you know to join you on a two-week road trip

32. open a thrift shop in hollywood called unsalvageable where you sell the most beat to shit clothing imaginable. a few hip celebs and influencers start posting selfies wearing your stuff and soon fashionistas are trying to outdo one another in how derelict they appear. coachella that year resembles an assembly of flea-bitten bums.

33. open a restaurant called dog day afternoon that serves pets before people, frequently getting the orders mixed up and serving dog food to people

34. start using the phrase "then the terrorists have won" as a way of browbeating people into doing what you want:

    • "if you don't loan me that $50, then the terrorists have won"​

    • "if you don't give me head, then the terrorists have won"

35. begin updating your linkedin with absurdly inappropriate job titles that don't exist, making yourself singularly unpalatable to hiring managers:

    • strip club stenographer at big daddy's gentleman's club

    • fortnite tutor for k-12 students

    • ghost writer for rodrigo duterte's memoirs

    • professional harvey weinstein impersonator

    • currently on a three year "manchild" sabbatical where you are devoting yourself to raising your video game scores

    • animal ventriloquist

    • owner of a boutique landscaping business that specializes in giving facelifts to lawn gnomes

    • drug czar

36. open a used underwear store called skidmarks

37. institute a national holiday called switcheroo, where all binary relationships must be reversed: parents and children, teachers and students, cops and criminals, bosses and employees, owners and pets, husbands and wives, etc. it's only a two-day holiday but the country spends months repairing and recovering from the damage and chaos.

38. open an edgy eatery called projectile, where servers fling the dishes at patrons, who are given a catcher's glove when they're seated

39. start your own business as a hipster divorce photographer, where you take trendy filtered photos of tatted hipster couples getting divorces in rustic natural locations like in the middle of fields or on cliffs overlooking the ocean. name your business untie the knot photography and give gushing virtue-signalling interviews for social media about the beauty and authenticity of helping your clients "rediscover their unique selves while helping them practice mindfulness and self-care."

40. start referring to all the women you know as "baby-hatching apparatus"

41. launch a whodunit? cruise ship called the agatha christie, where on each cruise one passenger is chosen at random to be murdered and another is chosen to be the killer, with the ship's resident detective tasked with solving the murder while the cruise is still in progress. despite the mortal risk, passengers continue to eagerly sign up.

42. open an artisanal roadkill eatery called pith & possum

43. market a line of untested natural health products that have unexpected side effects, call it nature's mutiny and create ads that show moss and fungi sprouting from people's skin

44. start referring to all wealthy young adults as "bitcoin douchebags"

45. become an undergrad poetry professor at a small liberal arts college and publish a poetry collection called kiss me where the sun don't shine: collected poems

46. market a product called trump extract that promises to give users the brazenly powerful chutzpah of donald trump. the small print states "while we cannot guarantee our product will grant you success in your endeavors, it will turn heads when family, friends, and co-workers notice your balls-out, take-charge new attitude"

47. move to berkely, ca, change your name to blazes o'moynahan and model your look after the archetype of a 19th-century boxer, while challenging the townsfolk to public boxing matches

48. publish a cookbook of recipes for outer space debris titled fell to earth. recipes include fried comet and cajun-blackened satellite.

49. marry a person largely on the basis of their twitter feed, then divorce them on the basis of their instagram feed

50. convince the ceo of hooter's to help bankroll a private manned mission to mars under the condition that the first inhabitable structure on the planet is a hooter's restaurant

51. name your first child leviathan 1.0

52. spend five years of your life taking photos of every public bathroom stall in america, then publish the highlights in a coffee table photobook called shitter: the hidden heart and soul of america

53. market a line of hp lovecraft-inspired sex toys: the deep deep deep ones, cthulube, etc

54. spend a month where you only speak in the russian-influenced argot nadsat as popularized in the burgess novel a clockwork orange: "viddy viddy kino snatch, my droogies?" and so on

55. convince acclaimed documentary filmmaker errol morris to make a documentary about the teletubbies, which damages his credibility among film critics. he never forgives you and in later years states, "i must have taken leave of my senses."

56. quit your job and take out a loan to open a rustic b&b called queef creek lodge

57. form a beatles cover band but try to pass the material off as being originals: "here's a little number we wrote last week. our first time tonight playing it before a live audience. it's called 'i wanna hold your hand'"

58. in an ill-advised, tone-deaf attempt to help america heal its divisions, form a band called fine people on both sides and write songs with titles like "we love you. you are very special."

59. get a job writing ad copy for sex toys in a language that you barely understand: "the pocketed cat toy is very suitable for male masturbation. some sexual desires can not been released for a long time, it is undoubtedly a good choice. it helps your gland stay active and strong. you are more for outstanding in the reality shows with your partner, and also can to let your hands totally free."

60. open a surgery clinic that specializes in transforming patients into their favorite tv character. the lawsuits begin almost immediately.

61. market a line of "science is for democrats" bumper stickers, causing confusion among the left and the right as to what side they are supporting when they put them on their car

62. convince oneamericanewsnetwork and npr to team up on fund drives

63. annoy those around you by asking them riddles that you make up on the spot and that have no answers: "when is a duck not a duck?" and so on. after a few days of this, people stop listening to you

64. market a line of potpourri-scented toilet plungers

65. convince radiohead to let you open for them for their first post-covid concert and spend your entire set reading aloud your boba fett fan fiction

66. spend a decade of your life composing nursery rhymes that sound like a nest of angry bees

67. become head of product development for crayon and convince them to introduce two new color options: used car orange and dirty needle brown

68. adopt a series of increasingly elaborate facial tics simply out of boredom

69. form a right-wing 80s hair metal band called quiet capitol riot and name your beach house führer's roost

70. open a franchise of bull fighting summer camps for kids in america's most liberal cities

71. open a gym where chocolate cake is served in all cycling classes

72. convince martin scorsese to direct an animated pokemon sex comedy

73. move to australia and become a militant woke boxer named knuckles queerbrow

74. convince nasa to fund you billions of dollars to build a series of early warning detection stations around the world to detect incoming farts before they occur. in your pitch, you somehow convinced the right people that one day "the big one" could hit, rendering life on earth "uninhabitable for centuries."

75. run for potus on the platform of putting a preservation hall jazz band in every garage or spare room. "no american tax paying family shall do without!"

76. manage a punk band of angry short janitors called knee-high custodial fist

77. declare to your team during a tuesday morning meeting that today is "taco titty tuesday" as you lift your shirt, where flattened tacos are crammed into your bra

78. quit your job, move to hollywood, and pitch a gonzo reality prank show called christ, i hope it's not poop

79. convince u2 to change their name to #youtoo

80. form an 80's supergroup amalgam called the wrecking 2 live motley crew

81. market a line of frigid/unpleasant sex toys:

    • the chastity box

    • the icicle glove

    • the not tonight dear, i have a headache

    • the obligatory marital birthday handjob ("sighs and looks at its watch if you take longer than two minutes to finish")

82. launch an erotic version of linkedin called kinkedin  "where the sexed up go to further their careers"

83. become editor of playboy magazine and commission woke pictorials like the women of #blm and the women of #metoo

84. develop a tv series that is a scatologically-minded reboot of the office called the orifice

85. form a "coffee and syphilis" meetup group just for kicks to see who signs up

86. form an all-star band of covid-positive rock stars called superspreader

87. a sky diving school for narcoleptics

88. become a white supremacist dj called 2proudboy and play republican events where you sample speeches from the likes of hitler, david dukes, richard spencer, and mussolini and set them to a beat

89. begin self identifying as a ufo and insist that your employer and the government recognize you as such

90. open a butcher shop called lopped off, with the store sign showing a bloody meat cleaver

91. open a chain of grocery stores for preteens called harris tweener

92. an alvin & the chipmunks themed episode of american idol

93. market a line of artisanal meat-infused water drinks: sausage springs life water

94. sell a line of beers called dark mushroom, with the slogan "fancy a bit of the fungi?"

95. market a line of lingerie for corpses called coffin panties

96. become a burlesque performer named dita von taze who electrocutes her audience

97. market an ambiguous sandwich called country honk to truckstops and gas stations

98. form a polite white yacht funk band called van ordinaire and the meretricious dongs

99. make it your life's work to stage a noh theater adaptation of the latest baywatch movie

100. try to convince people that there is such a thing as the endangered feces act

101. market a line of lgbtq+-themed handguns and rifles

102. begin posting non-sensical notification signs in outdoor public areas:
     "no shalegagging allowed"​
     "absolutely no mock turtles beyond this point!"
     "sorry, fresh out of bunnyvale thrizzlerifters"

103. develop a line of emojis that depict the facial expressions of nerve gas attack victims

104. launch a tiktok channel for morticians called death streaming

105. make a tape loop of a baby crying then play it loudly on repeat on a boombox. put the boombox in a filthy dumpster and film people as they climb in to "rescue the baby," then upload the vids to youtube.

106. develop the habit of saying things like this on first dates:
     "imagine if the nazis had had instagram"
     "guess how long i was breast fed as a child!"
     "after dinner, would you show me your vestigial tail?"

107. open a vice summer camp for kids, an intensive 8-week long camp where skills like cyberbullying, porn downloading, underage drinking, vandalism, and drug use are taught. proudly proclaim your "success rate" of 94% of camp graduates who end up in juvie within 6 months of graduation.

108. write a coming of age children's memoir with lines like "In 3rd grade, I liked funyuns so much I would have eaten them straight out of satan's asshole"

109. market a line of caramel mucus hard candies called throat butter. marketing slogan: "you coughed it up. we wrapped it in a sweet hard sugar shell and sold it right back to you."

110. market a snack food called fruited wombat clusters

111. start saying things like "it's 2021 and i'm totally racist against racism" in the hopes of ingratiating yourself among young people

112. become an influential food critic and convince people that skunk sauce is going to be the next big thing

113. on a whim, fly to haiti and attempt to install yourself as interim president

114. record a remake of the allman brothers band classic eat a peach but reimagined for a meaner america. call it eat a dick.

115. convince radiohead and u2 to play a series of concerts together with the catch that each band performs the other's songs

116. become a senior manager at hallmark and convince them to market a line of "it's your own damn fault" sympathy cards to unvaccinated victims of covid

117. open an embalming summer camp for kids

118. buy a german sheppard and name it götterdämmerung

119. market an ambiguous luxury product called ultra gold: pure shit

120. market a line of gourmet ice cream named after bowel movements:

     • chocolate triple flush slush​

     • corn floaters

     • coiled cranky anaconda

     • dank dark broth

121. market a line of gourmet seasonings called fried gorgon paste

122. mcdonald's markets a line of workplace sexual harassment happy meals, called the #metoomeal. they come with plastic action figures of harvey weinstein and rose mcgowan, so kids can have them battle it out while eating. 

123. develop a puzzle toy called rubik's pubes, where you try to untangle a thick patch of elderly pubic hair, six shades of grey

124. produce a mean-spirited children's prank show called stomp conkers, where mean kids take delight in fucking people up

125. start a faux lifestyle magazine called trundled, where the focus is on beautiful photos of rickety distressed wheeled furniture

126. self-publish an illustrated children's book promoting female circumcision called sally's snip

127. market an energy drink for virile rednecks called guzzle gizzard

128. market a gourmet beverage called aquarium broth "now with 14% more fish piss"

129. convince great thunberg to record a cover of madonna's "vogue" rewritten around themes of environmental collapse. the video shows her modeling a variety of burlap sacks and ragamuffin outfits, standing in the middle of flooded city streets or arid deserts, doing a variety of dance moves that involve wagging her finger sternly at the viewer. 

130. develop a brand of condoms for necrophiliacs called corpse ticklers. tagline: "they won't even know the difference"

131. convince weird al jankovic to do a cover of madonna's papa don't preach but make it be about the dangers of piracy and file sharing: "papa don't leech, i'm in trouble deep. but i made up my mind and i'm keeping my downloads. gonna keep my downloads."

132. come to work on your first day as a 6th grade teacher wearing a t-shirt with the slogan "my boyfriend's wife hates me"

133. spend millions developing and marketing a gourmet condiment called culpepper's armpit sauce

134. popularize a new workout trend: fog jogging. people running in near zero visibility conditions, colliding with lampposts, trash cans, and one another. market a line of grey workout clothes that make it even harder to be seen, further increasing the chance of collisions with others.

135. the next time a co-worker casually asks you how you're doing, reply with "i'm festooned with hot doomswaddle and victory snot. how 'bout you?"

136. open a fast food restaurant called michael stipe's, where all the meal names and descriptions are written in an unintelligble mumble. one marketing slogan would be "pretty sure it's vegan" and playing in a band would be one requirement for employment.

137. publish a children's book franchise called limony snicket and act surprised when you are sued

138. prank stores by putting signs in places the cashier won't notice that read "thank you for shoplifting with us today"

139. in line at the grocery store, start accusing the guy in front of you of impregnating sharks

140. attempt to convince people that "pissing white woman syndrome," where the media devotes extensive coverage when a white woman urinates in public, while ignoring the same behavior from people of color, is a thing and should be called out

141. spend a month of your life replying to every single spam email you get, clicking every link, and signing up for every service

142. convince wes anderson to direct a series of vomcoms: comedies that feature a lot of scenes of people throwing up

143. develop a line of cabbage-scented air freshener products called just one whiff

144. start readying ulysses to your kids as a bedtime story

145. begin giving your co-workers bizarre, unflattering nicknames:

     • teddy "sewer apples" jackson

     • susan "bird tooth" jones

     • mike "you fucking people make me sick" davis

     • donny "viral cryworker" perkins

     • molly "divorce oil" bloom

     • trip "pancake cocaine bridge" sweeney

     • robert "fellatio turtle" welliver

     • benji "soccer mump" sanford

     • trixie "plantation selfie" partridge

     • brad "el dorado athletic cup" perkins

     • ethan "gob ringer" st. john 

     • stevie "plumber crack" nicks

     • elizabeth "waddlecomb" miller

     • ansel "rumble pants" nunez

     • grover "cheese teeth" wayland

     • jonathan "shiny batchain puller" jackson

     • tobiath "nose taster" wilcox

     • pete "dusty underwear pebbles" bateman

     • christy "pop culture hellscape" abbot

     • stanley "buttock peaches" lowery

     • frank "fingersauce" williams

     • enid "guacamole eyes" barrington

     • john "my lungs are obsolete" peterson

     • pete "molasses face" von blondie

     • richard "sugar britches" jackson

     • deacon "panywaist" o'dell

     • pappy "stonkclaw" lerouyx

     • oscar "puss britches" stalingrad

     • brittany "auschwitz selfie" gordon

146. found a charter school where each class has an appointed class clown: a student chosen at the random on the first day, who must wear a clown costume while in class for the entire year​

147. market a sex product for nerds called rubik's lube

148. release an album of old timey murder ballads called i'm not the killing kind

149. become ceo of hallmark's and convince them to release a line of greeting cards celebrating the deaths of unvaccinated republicans. sample card: ain't darwin's law a bitch?

150. somehow convince mcdonald's to release a shakespeare-themed meal called the mcbeth

151. convince npr to begin broadcasting a game show called wait, wait, don't cancel me! where celebrity contestants try to backpedal on culturally insensitive tweets they've made, and the audience votes on whether or not to culturally cancel them

152. greenlight two mime-centric crime shows: msi: mime scene investigations and mimeami vice

153. open a flower store that specializes in "reparation bouquets" for unconscionable acts and violent crimes. popular bouquets include:

• "my bad for the dui hit and run" tulip arrangement

• "so sorry about the home invasion/aggravated assault" rose assortment

• "sincere apologies for 370 years of slavery" spring arrangement

• "on behalf of the board, our company's heartfelt apologies for poisoning your community's water supply" 

1. found a meditation group where the focus is on complaining and meditating on personal grievances

2. start a new online trend of people replacing their middle names with celebrity names: 

• peter brad pitt wilcox

• buddy david foster wallace sanchez

• sergio jennifer aniston porter

1. open a social club called club catheter, with the marketing line "where relief is always at hand"​

2. release an album of star wars-themed jazz standards: the droid from ipanema, deathstars fell on alabama, stella by deathstar light

3. produce a tv gameshow where contestants have to guess what food a person ate by the smell of their farts. special odor-enabled tv enhancements are available for purchase by the home viewing audience.

4. open the museum of farts, with scratch and sniff panels and listening booths, and a global mapping that describes how farts differ from culture to culture and over the centuries

5. mortage your house to fund the production of claymation porno films

6. market a line of relaxation candles called the guantanamo collection

7. develop a line of fart-scented potpourri called the smelt it>dealt it collection

8. become a game show producer and risk your career with the production of a game show where contestants try to correctly guess the food a person ate by the odor of their farts. for the home viewing audiences, scent misting devices can be purchased that attach to the tv, enabling them to guess as well.

9. convince disney to unveil a new ride called fart mountain, where ride goers ride in carts in the shape of beans and pass through clouds of noxious sulphuric gas and get jostled by immense rumbles

10. start calling your boss "big softy" behind their back

11. develop a new strain of flowers that smell like farts, then convince flower stores to sell arrangements of them: the sbd collection. people begin buying them to send them to people they dislike.

12. write a country western pop song about the unowned self-loathing of the midwestern american male called take a dump on me

13. produce a teen sex comedy about the erotic misuse of kitchen cookware called american pyrex

14. reboot the girls gone wild franchise but have it be footage of girls reverted to a feral, tribal lord of the flies state, all savagery and primitivism as they wreak havoc across the abandoned strip malls of america

15. launch a lovecraftian porn site called eldritchpussy.com

16. publish a book called the wisdom of right-wing crowds that is nothing but blank pages

17. convince amazon to stock adolf hitler's mein kampf and list it in the christian books and bibles section

18. open a boutique store called arms and ears, which specializes in fancy accessories only for arms and ears, and then open a spinoff store called big toe

19. hang out in singles bars and say things like "i love it when rape becomes consensual" to people you've just met

20. convince the editors of the chicago manual of style to include a section on emoji usage

21. convince netflix to offer a special "hate watching" subscription plan where its algorithm recommends shows that it determines you will hate, and you pay a lower monthly fee if you binge watch the programs in 8-hour stretches and leave scathing reviews

22. start telling young people "the bitcoin stops here" when you want to sound like you're running the show

23. found an architectural firm whose stated goal is designing homes that slowly instill madness in their occupants. call it eldritch builders and market yourselves as such. immediately attract "edgy" high-profile clients like trent reznor and marilyn manson. cite the suicide rate increase in long-term occupants of your homes. 

24. convince the john deere company to introduce a jurrassic park-themed farm vehicle: the velocitractor

25. develop a line of fungi-filled lunch products for kids called fungibles. "puts the fun in fungus!"

26. convince your wife she suffers from a rare form of sleep sickness called sleep twerking, where she sleep twerks in the middle of the night

27. open a craft beer brewery where all the beers are named after serial killers

28. convince the heinz company to release a product called heinz 69 sauce, where the bottle has a nozzle at both ends

29. convince dodge to name its next truck the dodge phallus and produce a commercial that's footage of the truck mixed with a montage of guns, red meat, american flags, and erect phalluses

30. convince hasbro to market a wind-up doll zen monk action figure that does nothing when you wind it up, as well as a social justice warrior to their line of g.i. joe action figures

31. open a tattoo parlor that specializes in sub-dermal tattoos

32. open a flower store that specializes in schadenfreude bouquets. customers send the it couldn't happen to a nicer person arrangement when they wish to celebrate the misfortune of someone they dislike. 

33. start a company that provides cosplay services to household pets: the harry potter housecat, the star wars chihuahua

34. devote your entire life to trying to popularize bizarre meaningless times of the day you've made up:

    • half past jackson​

    • schweefifteen

    • tremorous o'clock

35. open a library that only stocks tragic literature and call it the crybrary​

36. open a styling salon called armpit where the speciality is the styling of armpit hair. it catches on and attractive instagram-ready women begin growing their armpit hair so they can style it in increasingly elaborate ways.

37. open a pet store called vermin where the specialty is selling fleas, ticks, lice, and bedbugs as adoptable pets

38. write a children's book about a blind seeing eye dog that is constantly leading its owner into hazardous situations: clifford the big blind seeing eye dog, then write another about a ghost that's addicted to social media: casper the friend me ghost

39. plan several festivals that are perversly ill-advised: 

    • the eruption music festival, held directly below an active volcano​

    • methane fest 2022, which celebrates global warming. thousands of cows are shipped the event.

    • cancel fest 2022, where those who've been notably culturally cancelled gather to party down and collectively celebrate their newfound cultural irrelevance

40. convince george lucas to allow you to use the star wars license in making your live action star wars film where all the actors are turtles​

41. convince disney to release a nine hour art movie called dortmunder shaves his pubes

42. open a restaurant called spilled milk, where all the waitstaff is exceedingly clumsy. you soon attract a customer base of people who thrive on chaos. 

43. attempt to popularize the trend of "used food" - food that hasn't already been eaten per se, but has been kicked around a bit and rendered little worse for wear:

    • used ice cream that's melted a little bit, been swirled around in a bowl, then put back inside the container

    • used potato chips that have been taken out of the bag and had much of the surface seasonings stuck to someone's fingers, then put back into the bag

    • used pasta that's been rolled around already on someone's fork

    • used sushi, where a few pieces are slightly mangled from having been handled by someone who couldn't use chopsticks

44. convince ralph lauren to release a line of dorito's scented men's cologne and ben & jerry's to release a flavor of cannabis ice cream called munchy madness​

45. get a job writing clickbait that relies upon reader knowledge of 14th-century eastern mystics

46. become an albino whitney houston impersonator and call yourself whitey houston

47. attempt to popularize the practice of adopting "rescue" scorpions

48. open a porcupine petting zoo

49. convince the producers of american idol to devote an entire season to mime performances

50. form an incompetent bangles cover band called the bungles

51. start pranking bird watchers by flying a drone around that looks like an extinct bird 

52. convince daniel day lewis to star in a movie about jewish rappers fighting nazis, called the beastie boys from brazil

53. try to popularize the halloween trend of haunted whorehouses

54. form an incompetent bangles cover band called the bungles, then form a dyslexic go-go's cover band called the og-og's

55. create a feminist comic book hero called the cunted emasuclator

56. greenlight a kid's prank tv show called fart factory

57. open a surrealist restaurant and serve absurdist dishes:

    • venusian quarrel fish​

    • pancake peacock gobble pie

    • exquisite toasted corpse

    • spinach wasp omlette

    • fudge parmesan totems

    • moth dumplings

    • tantric whiskey sprouts

    • caramelized fossil 

    • burlap bag of candied licorice lump

58. next time you visit your doctor, ask with a straight face if unimpeded sperm floats to the moon​

59. tell everyone you meet that you're a plagarian, one who only reads plagarized works, and open plagarist press, which only publishes authors who are known plagarists

60. open an eatery called hangdog sandwich co, where all the employees and even the food look harragd and down on their luck

61. open a drive-through bank that also accepts fecal deposits, storing them in vacuum-sealed safe boxes. "and would you like this nutty steaming pantload deposited in your checking or savings account today, mrs jones?" follow that up by creating a new form of fecal-centric global curency: shitcoin.

62. market a line of aggressive animatronic toy animals called grrranimals, which randomly attack whoever is playing with them.

63. start calling every man you meet "lemon boy" and mime like you're sucking on a lemon when you say it

64. open a lotr-themed sex shop called golem's hard on

65. for the grand re-opening of your restaurant, design a huge banner that reads "no more brown sludge!"

66. open a sex club called the horny robot, where sex bots go to be pleasured by humans

67. start using the word "jason" as a verb, with no explanation of what it means: "we'll ask them to jason in some changes before it goes live" etc

68. teach a power of positive thinking workshop where you use ghengis khan as your rolde model. pronounce his last name "can" can call it the ghengis khan course in positive miracles and crushing your goals.

69. publish a medical coloring book for kids called when sepsis sets in

70. open a heavy petting zoo where people get very friendly with the animals indeed

71. open a speed dating service that lives up to its name, putting clients in downhill slaloms or top-flight race cars, or simply hopping them up on crank so they're talking 1,000 words a minute, then seeing if they can hit it off

72. begin crashing the weddings of strangers, where you shout "i have serious concerns!" when the preacher finishes saying "speak now or forever hold your peace" then invent some highly believable reason on the spot

73. release a brand of oppressive eastern european inspired liquors called kafka spirits, with names like penal colony and metamorphosis ("drink too much of this and you'll feel like a beetle on its back"

74. market skunks as pets using the claim that they'll act as a portable fart camouflager to those who suffer excessive flatulence. "no one will ever suspect it's you when there's a skunk by your side"

75. market a snack food called juvies, with juvenille felons appearing in your ads and on the packaging. part of the profits go toward building more juvenile detention centers.

76. convince investors that the public is ready for pelican-based snack foods and lunches: pelican thins, pelican broth, etc.

77. start a pest-removal service that comes to your neighborhood and descretly rids the neighborhood of any excessivly annoying neighbors

78. open a frozen yogurt place where the yogurt is frozen into thick blocks of ice, and customers must chisel away to extract their order

79. open a moving company where the movers show up and recite tragic or romantic monologues or theater scenes, bringing customers to tears. when they ask why you're not moving their belongings, reply "oh we're here to emotionally move you. that's what you wanted, right?"

80. open a gas station where the attendants come to your car, fart into your open window, and then stroll away

81. open a pet store where customers can only pet the animals, not take them home

82. open a clothing store called hymn and her that only sells embroidered hymnals for women

83. convince conde naste to publish a magazine called counter culture, where each month trendy edgy art types discuss the latest in kitchen counters

84. open an eatery for nervous eaters called gnaw

85. open a restaurant called parrot, where patrons must have a 10-minute conversation with the parrot of their choice before the chef prepares it for them

86. design an architecture that changes based on mood so that anyone can tell what kind of mood you're in just by looking at your house

87. create a new folklore character - a feral holiday prankster named humpty dumptart

88. convince the travel channel to produce a prank travel show called perfuming the air with charlie, about two misanthropic drifters who go into fancy shops and restaurants and rip massive silent farts, while the hidden camera film the reactions of those around them

89. organize a softball team of perpetually constipated midgets named the hershey squirts

90. open a mime cafe called jacque's where there are no menus and diners must intuit what each dish is based on the mime waiter's visual depiction

91. develop a hybrid neti pot/chamber pot

92. convince lego and viagra to collaborate on the erector set toy assortment

93. start nicknaming people who talk a lot "tattle panties"

94. start a curated at-home meal delivery service for bulimics called upchuck

95. market a line of vladimir putin barbie dolls

96. try to kick off the trend in microscopic eateries: "small eating for small people"

97. market a line of urine-filled hard candy called tangy urine blasters: hard wax candy with a teaspoon of tangy piss inside. "bite down and go 'waaaaah!'" is the slogan.

98. found a company devoted to solving problems that don't exist, your slogan being "solutions in search of problems"

99. open a restaurant called eccentricities that only hires clinically insane chefs and waitstaff, and encourage them to be themselves

100. hire an especially obnoxious group of 13-year old boys to design a theme park, with rides like the titty twister and the nut tapper

101. open an absurdist restaurant called peter's wholly inappropriate roadhouse eatery, and serve things like:

• another man's burger: we bring out our best made-to-order burger, but as soon as we serve it to the guy who ordered it, we tell him "psyche!" and bring it over to you instead. you won't know what's in it, but you can bet that the results are gonna be spicy!

• rejected catch of the day: a seafood dish of our choice, one that's been returned to the kitchen by another diner for being wholly unacceptable. for the not-so-picky eater.

• mother's milk casserole: made with milk squeezed right out of the tit of our most pregnant waitress

• heavy metal meatloaf: mystery meat that scores alarmingly high on the iron and lead spectrum

• lap coffee: our house specialty roast that's been spilt in the lap of another diner, then wrung out of their soaked garments straight into your cup. hints of linen and detergent make this a complex blend.

• shouty monkey trout: freshwater trout that's been caught by a very vocal monkey. both are served on the plate.

• non-binary perched salmon: seafood doesn't get woker than this

• grease stain in a honky bowl

• marshmallows and oatmeal in toilet water

• artisanal reparations: our chef's way of making amends for 200 years of bad food

• chocolate bison in decider sauce: bison meat braised in 84% dark chocolate and topped with our signature sauce, a confident blend of musk and eastern spices that points you where you need to go. popular with mountain guides and cliff climbers.