tilting at windmills

 

 

• market a line of artisinal urinal cakes: "handcrafted by oregon artisans using the same family method since 1902"

• write a novel about an america in which youth culture never embraced hedonism. the sixties counterculture never happened. no hendrix, no iggy, no woodstock. the british bands never progressed beyond note-for-note covers of blues songs. pat boone continued to appeal to millions of american teens. the best-selling album of 1992 was peter, paul, and mary: mtv unplugged. 

• when pregnant women say they "have a bun in the oven," assume they mean they have to take a shit. reply with "well you better go to the bathroom and take care of that."

• launch a line of artisinal bottled water called trombone water. colorado spring water that has been aged inside old trombones for six months before being bottled.

• life goal:

  • become tiktok famous by delivering pizzas dressed in a jar jar binks costume

  • become head of nasa and force the engineers and designers to make all nasa craft in the shape of star wars ships. the iss soon enough is overhauled to resemble the death star. 

  • record an album of star wars hip hop songs sung by boba fett

  • found a star wars-themed nfl team, with each player dressed as a different character from star wars. the kicker is jar jar binks.

  • open a franchise of stars wars strip clubs.

  • guest star on a reboot of sex and city as the cranky but lovable transgender old guy down the hall

  • get into a twitter fight with james woods

  • have your photo taken with iggy pop

  • turn yourself into authorities at the hague tribunal for "cultural crimes against humanity" and when they ask what you mean, hand them a tape of your hip hop christmas carols

  • market an herbal tea that cures covid

  • form a bubbly girl group called you fucking people make me sick, commonly known as y.f.p.m.m.s.

  • write a groundbreaking scholarly paper about how scooby doo is a metaphor for the death of the sixties

  • have new york drag queens officially recognized as essential workers

  • market a cologne for obnoxious teenage boys called s.b.d. that smells like farts

  • discover a remote pacific island where wham's george michael is worshipped as a god

  • found the one-hit wonder music festival, where each band plays just one song, their big hit

  • replace all of hollywood's leading men with homeless men one week before filming commences

  • develop a non-lethal battlefield and crowd control weapon that makes targets obsessed with trying to remember the fragment of a song stuck in their head, to the point that they forget all else. they hum it nonstop and ask those around them if they know it. an entire battalion of enemy soldiers lays down their arms and begin asking one another "hey, have you heard this song that goes like..." enabling an easy surrender without bloodshed. predictably, google collaborates with the u.s. military to develop the weapon, drawing from a huge database of recorded music. a huge class-action lawsuit ensues, where artists sue for "misappropriation of cultural expression for military use."

  • dox fictional characters from the star wars universe

  • insist that your wife change her name to mavis bottomshank 

  • produce a prank reality show where people of color goad white liberals into doing ridiculous shit because it's woke: don't bathe for a week, stop traveling by plane because it "facilitates hetero-normative business practices that encourage global exploitation"

  • write a comic novel entitled the year jimmy kimmel stopped apologizing

• headline the lilith fair festival and open with a solo acoustic cover of smack my bitch up

• discover an obscure state ordinance that permits fox hunts on public lands every 8th sunday from 8am-12pm. hold a fox hunt each year in chapel hill that drives the town's liberals half insane with righteous outrage.

• write a novel entitled sandwiches of the deceased and dedicate it to all the school lunch ladies who fed you in grade school

• become a congressman and introduce a bill to collect unpaid back taxes from the dead

• accuse every wealthy looking white suburban woman you see of committing "cultural appropriation" from martha stewart

• carry around a bb gun and shoot anyone you see eating ice cream, causing them to drop it on the ground. have your friend film it and start a youtube channel called ice cream mishap. no narration, nothing but people dropping their ice cream on the ground. eventually you have 7,000,000 viewers and can afford to travel the world, staging your little prank. 

• in your quest to become tiktok famous, accidentally emigrate to north korea

• in your quest to become tiktok famous, accidentally set china's space program back 30 years

• in your quest to become tiktok famous, accidentally elope with a great white shark

• in your quest to become tiktok famous, accidentally prove the existence of a vengeful god

• in your quest to become tiktok famous, accidentally launch yourself into space

• form a low-income african american diva trio: destiny's illegitimate child
  first single: where baby daddy at?

• visit every rock club in america and take photos of the bathroom for a glossy coffee table photo book called stall. with a forward by iggy pop: "i've vomited in over half these toilets and can attest to their cultural significance.” write stuff like "i needed to get to know the real rock and roll soul of america. to discover just how deep the roots ran within me." johnny depp films his next perfume commercial in the filthiest of the stalls depicted.

• become the manager/svengali of a trans boy band: cis boys 2 non-binary gendered persons. or new woke direction. the music vids would be like glee on steroids.

• form a geriatric girl band called the old spice girls 

• write a method acting guide for dead people

• place a hornet’s nest inside a pinata and then invite all the obnoxious kids you know over for a pinata party

• form a mime talking heads cover band called stop making sound

• place a boombox that's playing a tape loop of a baby crying at the bottom of a trash dumpster in a busy area, then film people as they climb in to save the baby in peril

• open a joy division-themed gym for goths called unknown muscles

• introduce a line of dairy products called onanist farms. tagline: made with self-love since 1972

• produce a reverse racism prank show where african americans accost white people in public and tell them what they can and cannot do

• convince bob dylan to partner with victoria's secret launch his own line of men's lingerie: the bringing it all back home collection for men. ads would feature lingerie-clad cowboys on horseback. his lyrics would be emblazoned on each piece. the “it ain't me babe” thong, the “a hard rains gonna fall” bustier

• open a store next to a massage envy and call it massage penis envy

• make a verb out of barbara streisand's last name and use it enough that it goes viral. “i can't believe they just streisanded over the whole incident.” etc

• begin writing a weekly newspaper advice column entitled who to pee on this weekend

• convince hollywood to produce your film script about a white superhero whose power is cultural appropriation. he immediately steals an idea, popularizes it among white people, and makes millions. it would be called mr rock and roll.

• hack your boss's email so that it autocorrects all instances of “further” as “fuhrer”

• become a semi-nude rapper named lil' thong, with the hit single who let my cheeks out?

• form a lesbian punk band called melania pussy riot

• rewrite all the james bond novels for the age of the internet and social media:

  • dr. hell to the no

  • bitcoin finger

  • from russia with likes

  • you only tweet twice

  • on her majesty's secret snapchat

  • the spy who unfollowed me

  • for your feed only

  • never text never again

• move to afghanistan and open the world’s first terrorism tourism bureau. “let us plan your next terror vacation! selfie with a beheaded journalist!”

• create a line of nietzschean emojis. then a line of freudian ones.

• write the american surgeons association's big book of euphemisms -  force professions where language must be precise to replace all technical terminology with euphemisms. similarly, tackle the impossible and meaningless challenge of creating euphemisms for euphemisms. at a remove of two euphemisms,  it would be impossible for the recipient of the communication to understand what is being referred to, unless he or she has memorized the lexicon of euphemisms for euphemisms. 

• rewrite canonical novels to feature semi-nude protagonists:

  • death of a semi-nude salesman

  • death on the semi-nude orient express

  • portnoy's semi-nude complaint

  • henderson the semi-nude rain king

  • semi-nude naked lunch 

• usher in the trend of young adults getting tattoos of lentils and other legumes on themselves

• start a cannibal burial service where you just eat the corpse of people's deceased loved one

• open a bagel place called the yeasty hole

• produce a north korean version of the office. set it in their nuclear weapons program office. lead michael scott character is a lovable bumbling fool who by the way can have any employee executed at any time. in season 2, jim and pam are both executed by antiaircraft fire for conduct unbecoming the state, and dwight is fed to wild dogs for not showing sufficient reverence to kim jong un.

• develop a line of sexbots in the guide of literary figures. they include the entire oeuvre of the writer on audiobook.

• sexbot in the likeness of norman mailer. it recites passages from his novels while in use and barks “tough guys don't dance” when you fuck it in the ass. then emily dickinson sexbot. the jane austen sexbot. the hunter s thompson sexbot. etc.

• spearhead an initiative to send all electric guitars into space

• start a magazine for teenagers obsessed with murder called spatter pattern

• start crashing protests by the left and the right, carrying signs in support of nonexistent people: "i support reginald bitters" etc

• publish a magazine called meatsack: the magazine of low self-worth

• convince florida to rename the miami airport the miami tuxedo international airport

• convince npr to broadcast thong-themed programs: 

  • all thongs considered ( it is still a general news program - however, they find ways to insert thongs into every story. sometimes the guests are not in on it and get increasingly irritated as the hosts refuse to stop asking them about thongs. "and did you have a chance to ask putin what type of thong he was wearing?” etc.)

  • a prairie home thong companion

  • this bethonged american life

  • fresh thong air

• open a walk-in local personality adjustment clinic. not mood, but actual personality. 

• reboot star trek where the away team is always semi-nude.  other than that, the show is completely normal. no explanation is ever given.

• post "kinky infidel seeks permanent employ" on your linkedin page

• start a beatles cover band cover band. Insist that your performances are covers of cover versions.

• hire an all-sexbot gospel choir for your local african american baptist church

• change your name to faux cruddite and become an activist for post-organic animal rights

• start calling people who are older than you "kiddo"

• rewrite the hobbit so all the battle scenes are twerk dance contests. write it under the pseudonym jrr twerkin.

• create an alternate reality in which the beatle's songs were all performed by van halen

• launch a talk show where all interviews take place during skydives

• become the world's first surgeon who specializes in extracting white privilege. bias trauma surgeon: "i can actually remove whiteness in the field."

• create a toilet-shaped spacecraft that is so good that nasa has no choice but build it and send it into space.

• invent the world’s first unisex vagina

• whenever someone at a party asks you what you do, reply: “i'm a first responder with google's bias trauma team.” a self-esteem trauma rehabilitation team kitted out like emts. they have their own ambulance, careening through traffic to attend to a bias event. they'd read from bell hooks and other queer feminist writers to stabilize the patient.  

• create a time machine then go back in time and convince famous directors to make their iconic films as semi-nude films.

  • casablanca with humprhey bogart clad only in a thong and fedora

  • the league of extraordinarily scantily clad gentlemen

• create a saturday morning cartoon for kids called robot chitlin

• on your deathbed, request to play a video game

• form a punk band called affiliated health systems inc. and have all your songs be about patient's rights to confidentiality 

• start a blog devoted to reviews of amazon user reviews

• start describing food as being "tolkienesque"

• create a line of sexbots that get headaches and have stds. “one evening with mood dampener xj-11 and you'll never want to fuck again”

• invent a communication disruption device called the decontextualizer. when you fire it at any form of spoken communication, it removes all context, making it a disconnected idea, like a bead on a necklace that has been separated from the others. a sustained burst renders successful communication impossible.

• become a bit-part actor who specializes in getting disemboweled by possessed british school children

• change your linkedin status to "yes i am a bisexual bitch and loving every minute of it" and start a new a new linkedin-style job networking site where personal sexuality informs all communication and profiles.

• create a phone app that enables users to replace the on-hold music of those around them with the audio of violent pornos. mortally embarrass those around you.

• get picked up as a syndicated sunday morning newspaper cartoonist with a weekly comic called boner, in which all the characters have erections, even the females.

• popularize a new open air kitchen design for homes: shit-in kitchens. kitchen design with an open-air toilet in the center of the kitchen, no walls.

• market a new type of bubble gum with a liquid diarrhea center called diarrhea blasts. "zesty fruit gum with a rancid diarrhea center!"

• become america's first bro president and gain access to the nuclear foosball, the ability to launch an armada of nuclear-tipped beer kegs anywhere in the world. duuuuuude.

• start a south korean funk show called seoul train

• coordinate a bon jovi and bon iver disco collaboration called bon jiver.

• sell people's already chewed gum on ebay but run afoul of privacy laws because of the dna content of the chewed gum

• open a business as an entitlement speech therapist, helping less wealthy people climb the social ladder by adopting entitled white people ways of speaking.

• create a prank show where you see what kind of absurd things you can convince white liberals to do to look woke: "no really, hold this fish when you walk into that african-american owned coffeeshop.  it demonstrates awareness of the economic origins of this town." the show would be called "are you woke enough?" and would film in cities like chapel hill, durham, and berkeley.

• convince the left that being semi-nude is the next big.thing in virtue signalling. start a competitor with the indy called the semi-nude independent. 

• create a commercial for a major bank that references early 90s rap lyrics: “here at citibank, we've got our mind on your money, and your money on our mind”

• rechristen yourself as a queer trans asian feminist, then start refusing to pay for anything because it supports a culturally oppressive regime. couch it as "an act of protest" and launch a kickstarter to get liberals to fund you so can avoid even having to work

• start a video blog where you review insipid shit. a shoelace. half an oreo cookie. pocket lint.

• host a right-wing electronic music festival in durham. dj maga. dj mein kampf. dj birth of a nation. dj proud boy. their set would include famous recorded fascist speeches tweaked with autotune and set to a militaristic beat

• convince everyone you meet that reading novels is as difficult as writing them

• start a new service: rent a white dude. where people can rent a white heteronormative dude to berate and lecture. slogan: have you thrown shade at a white man today?

• introduce a line of jordan peterson men's sex toys

• start a youtube channel.where a 50 year old man reviews toys made for 10 year olds. and be really.bitter in each review: "in their marketing they said the entire rocketship would light up. well they lied to us!"

• release a product with no discernable purpose called sweltercream. don't provide any info or instructions on the packaging. but be wealthy enough to hire great designers and an ad team that creates a memorable ad campaign. buy a 30 second commercial spot during the superbowl. pay celebrities to be seen carrying tubes of it.

• start a new type of dance music: bear trap music. sounds of bear traps snapping shut would be used as sample material for beats.

• hack google's hr employee manual to alter company procedures by inserting the phrase "semi-nude" at various key points

• start an animal porn site called barnyard tuggers

• launch a kickstarter to crowdfund a series of petty vendettas (“please help fund me so that i can hire someone to break the legs of my eighth-grade science teacher who gave me a c on my science project”)

• leave a will where you stipulate that your ashes are used in the cum shot in an off-world porno, where they come bursting out of the erect phallus of the male astronaut and into the mouth of the female astronaut during a wild iss sex party

• go shopping at walmart dressed as a pirate, with an eye patch and parrot on your shoulder. ask the teller "where be your buried treasure?" and when you encounter resistance from store security, just pay for it all using your dad's amex

• file a complaint with your workplace hr that you are being objectified at work by ghosts

• become an olympic swimmer but insist on swimming wearing diapers

• become a fat david bowie impersonator, and make all the songs be about eating

  • the fat white duke

  • portly stardust and the overweight spiders from mars

  • the man who ate the world

  • scary overweight monsters

  • let's dance (and eat)

  • we can eat like heroes, just for one day

• start a publishing company for transgender children's bedtime stories:

  • goodnight, gender neutral moon

• form a series of semi-nude boy bands: 

  • bethonged  backstreet boys

  • new semi-nude direction

  • clothed boyz 2 semi-nude men