toys+
"don't be yourself. be better."
i.
personality apps
new, from toys+. download your fave digit spool celeb personality direct to your cranium. "be better. be someone else."
available now:
yogs mcghee pers app. shade: morning. mood: satirical. join your favorite spool stars by becoming them! this upgrade from toys+ gives you the inventive interview style of digit spool morning talkshow host yogs mcghee. don't be yourself! be better!
boss winston pers app. shade: night. mood: boss. join your favorite spool stars by becoming them! this upgrade form toys+ gives you the daring cool style of digit spool drama reality leading man boss winston. don't be yourself! be better!
drexel ratch. shade: night. mood: dope. join your favorite spool stars by becoming them! this upgrade from toys+ gives you the subtle complex style of murderama character actor drexel ratch. includes an exclusive preview of the boss new ratch spool, bucket of sick. don't be yourself! be better!
catch fever. shade: day. mood: sex. join your favorite spool stars by becoming them! this upgrade from toys+ gives you the aromatic machismo style of daytime talkshow host catch fever. don't be yourself! be better!
artemis spoolboy. shade: dusk. mood: wistful and intrigued. "wistful afternoons of oversexed adventure have never felt so real!" - cube cool. with this pers app, you can be a displaced time-traveling british schoolboy awash in sexbot intrigue. be shocked and amazed by the decadent antics of off-world pleasure testers.
star quality in a disposable jet injector. sex factor 7. pers app mainline mod from auger boatswain and toys+.
sugar slums. the new pers app mainline from auger boatswain. feel like a million bucks. fuck like a crank-fuelled hooker.
leather romero. the new zombie skin flick designer scent. "she'll tear off your flesh!" new from toys+ and auger boatswain.
misanthropy. the new fragrance from auger boatswain and re-animatronic entity baudelaire v2.0. "the flowers of evil never smelled so sweet."
yuggothian ambassador, the next generation of alien symbiotics. "one spray and she'll know the difference." only from toys+.
first 10,000 customers gain beta test access to star+, the new pers app that lets you add your favorite spool celeb to your favorite digit spool show. customize your feed! *not available in certain non-licensed off-world zones. only from toys+.
titan nightshade pers app. mood: enigmatic. dickslap monkeys all over town then touch down on your own private helipad. rolled gold, dig?
screw pooch. the pers app for people who don't give a fuck.
retch driftwood has his tv eye on you. jack into this app and know everyone's bizness.
mandrake bilgepump. genetically engineered to fail. don't say we didn't warn you.
ii.
lesiure combat robotics: the hellborne prodigy line of hybrid personal protection/entertainment drones.
that toys+ designer mind virus just got up inside your swelterscoil. give it sec. cool mcswain total aftershock. your personal alter tech. feedtube of the gods. dance off the roofs of transnational refineries. thirty seconds in a glass space elevator.
factsheet: codspoil
the imprimatur wrecks your mind, this noon, with a spoonfelder happening inside of spawn tradition. we got fortune 500 fuck attack! this month. nxt?
direct assault on the nervous system gives you the spoonfelder account. fonderswelter actualize prickwelder.
nuflesh. spoon it out, spread it on. form to taste. toys+. don't be yourself. be better.
ironic distance got you down? be there, really there, with the new sincerity app from toys+. download this to your cortex and get your empathy on like a sincerity rock star.
"the toys+ sincerity app saved my marriage!"
- chastity warmaker
also, coming this summer, the toys+ line of tactical ego armour stims. "arm yourself for those especially dangerous social engagements. our top-line of genetic enhancements to block anxiety and insecurities. also includes awareness-boosting stims to help you better pick up on body language. whatever the engagement, you'll come out ahead."
vested capital partners: investing heavily in pimp-controlled prostitution since 2031. "i know my money's safe with vcp." - myrna dunwhiddie, annuity subscriber
iii.
you mancrushed to him in the cocksman. now you can wear toys+ feed star auger boatswain's new line of bioengineered colognes. unavailable in certain jurisdictions. not compatible with all augmentations.
- start january off with the oblique chill of fuque delucks
- in february, dust it up with penultimate beneficiary. availabe in trans, bi, straight, queer, sapio, or non.
- for march, step into two-way street, a mind-altering psychic trance cologne.
- get brash in april with first-class handcuff briefcase, with hints of leather and danger. there's a girl in trouble, somewhere.
- celebrate may with sexbot lavendar. metal and flowers make you the cock of your own walk.
- june swaggers with the confidence of 1,000 security drones as you wear slugthrower grey.
- this july, put those chumps on notice that you have made the scene with alpha cock. guaranteed to start bar fights.
- reflect and plan in august with soothsayer, an eastern mixture of ginseng and bone marrow.
- in september, you won't remember what troubled you when you sport mindwipe, a soothing mist of oaken haze.
- october sees a new imprimatur from the affiliated center for excellence, in the new hybrid spore collection: cool cocksman.
- november has you wondering why you waited this long, when you take a ride on great glass space elevator.
- december shimmers and dances like the aurora borealis as cranium pinball razzles your synapses like so many fried eggs.
- two bonus fragrances: mince and pout with murderous intent when you wear homicidal poofter, the new agro fragarance. or usher in a season of scabrous vitriol with playa hata: "hate the playa, hate the game, hate muthafuckin' everything."
- subscribers get a bonus cologne: excalibur poontang.
iv.
coming soon to your favorite feed: homo alone, the uproarious new homophobe sitcom, starring peaches geldof and everybody's favorite corporate-sanctioned bad boy, drexel ratch. followed by gooch kickers, an off-the-hook new game show co-hosted by catch fever. and after that, the ultrafeed prank show you've been dendrite punk'd. hurts so good! then stay up late late for the that off-the-hook new comedy, dick tippers, starring chase bivouac.
new featuring closed captioning for the feelings impaired.
[you are now feeling sad.]
[this scene evokes feelings of bittersweet joy.]
[you sympathize with his plight.]
[cry here. laugh now.]
empathy. the new prescription drug by toys+. for when you have to care about the needs of others.
v.
ratch, new spokesman for rad's cannibal men's clothing line eat me, caused quite a stir at this year's cannes digit spool festival. in response to critics, who unanimously panned his newest feed bucket of sick, ratch devoured his own forearms in front of a horrified crowd. "fuck do i care?" he remarked between mouthfuls. "studio has spares in orbit." when asked to comment about his last concert, wherein he attacked members of the audience with an axe, ratch simply said, "they signed the release forms."
for more details, including an exclusive interview with ratch and co-star chauncey justice, check out of the latest issue of yankee bastard, the city's most irreverent chronicler of commerce and culture. also in this issue, celebrity psy-op chase bivouac shares his favorite declassified neural dampening techniques.
rottweiler: the magazine of organic personal defense
vi.
coming monday to toys+bbc: sheik camp, the hilarious mistaken identity caper starring "fingers" smithers jones. "blimey, they fink we's bloody sheiks!"
followed by mech twister: the tv game show where contestants suit up in heavy mech suits and play twister. not to be missed.
join jake podswell and govinda consuelo as they welcome a variety of guests to this week's edition of expat poets with dysentery. the talk show that combines poetry with unwise decisions.
dusting hoffman v4.5 stars in phoning it in. tagline: "he just needed the motivation. why couldn't someone provide him the motivation?"
from the people who brought you the hyper-realist action spool 2.3 seconds to infamy comes the latest in ultraspool entertainment: hyper-realist porn. “ok all you okatu, put down your sexbots and spool this viddy!” croons rex reed 3.0. first up, drexel ratch aims for his seventh performance-of-a-lifetime award as the surly record store clerk who couldn’t stop getting laid. co-starring peggy birdbrain as god’s unquenchable stenographer.
when your significant other isn’t home, tune into spunk junkers, the hilarious new post-organic sex prank show from toys+ and greenzone entertainment. and later, tune into the hilarious new adult rom-com starring jennifer aniston 2.0: blowjobs with friends. “because platonic friendship sucks.”
vii.
tomorrow, chauncey justice reads from his upcoming autobiography, nerve clusters i have known. not to be missed. followed by exclusive in-studio performances from post-post bands poverty tourist, integrity beard, torque & the savage pencils, and van dyke entanglement brigade (vdeb).
and join spool celeb chelsea warmaker as she launches her new dating site for narcissists: www.lovemelikeilovemyself.com
viii.
from the toys for edgy adults line:
seppooki (aka danger bear) the japanese toy bear of ritualistic suicide. comes with his own toy sword, refillable intestine pouch, and three intestine replacement packs.
toys+ and mattel present: suicide dog. "this doggie's gone to heaven."
squiggles, the polyamorous teddy bear. "i love everybody!" comes with 4 partner bears. ages 4-9.
shit monkey 2.0.
release notes:
- greater throwing distance
- improved arcing capability
- more rapid feces retrieval
- greater variety of stool type
- increased night vision
"your enemies will never know what hit 'em."
milton bradley and toys+ present nuke 'em from orbit: the board game of trans-global annihilation
new from hasbro: kids toy gender reassignment surgery clinic: the game!
new from apple and toys+: iidtentity. with over 100 persona and gender settings! "in an ever changing world, shouldn't your identity change with it?
ix.
drexel ratch is coming back at'cha this season with two new killer feeds. gear up for hr tactical squad, the new office action drama from acclaimed snuff feed director herzman rauthian.
"dammit ratch, you've crossed the line!"
"outta my way sys admin, or i'ma send you a rauthian greeting card. one way trip down, amigo."
followed by the gritty personal action drama, hospital cop. "he's got the rx for crime."
and check out drexel ratch in his latest hr detective spool: the awkwardness of the long hallway. "when do i say 'hi' to that new security drone. i'm just not sure," ratch muttered under his breath and the drone hovered his way in the long corrider.
"dammit ratch. that's the fourth security grid you've fried this year."
"fuck do i care? i get results. now get outta my way. i gotta killer to kill."
"dammit ratch. i swore a hippocratic oath!"
"the hell with your oath, quigley. gimmie the sonic scalpel before that punk kills again."
drexel ratch is drexel ratch in the new cop psycho drama from toys+: preemptive justice.
"my logistical regression model says you have a forty six point five percent chance of committing a major felony this week. that's good enough for me, punk."
from drexel ratch: catwalk tragedy:
"from his vantage point backstage, ratch could see slim chin johnson lovingly stroking the handle of his mini-skirt cannon while scanning the crowd of potential fashion vicitms. ratch readied the nitrous dart launcher inside the victoria's deadly secret corset, and sasheyed forth onto the runway"
drexel ratch is the analist. "the doctor is in. side you."
after the season premiere, don't miss ratch's exclusive new interview with chelsea warmaker, on late night with warmaker. he'll dish about his new off-world loves (alien, synthetic, human?), what really went down at that deadly mars red carpet premiere last month, and what forearm tastes like.
this summer, drexel ratch breaks all the rules in hollywood vomit tank. directed by acclaimed head-crab snuff auteur herman von hindermilk.
toys+ bad boys drexel ratch and chazz birdwell team up as semi-nude cannibal cops hot on the trail of a jailbroken killer sexbot in do androids dream of electric titties?
x.
toys+ pioneers the practice of digestion makeovers and dendrite augmentation. celebrities and the extremely wealthy elect to undergo a procedure that eliminates the need for food, removes their need to defecate, and seals shut their anus. according to inside reports, they subsist on a classified cocktail of protein dust, electrolite baths, and hollywood star doc dr. h methuselah's patented vitamin light treatments. getting additional nerve cell implants for extra stimulation also becomes the rage. drexel ratch has seventy five dendrites implanted in the tip of his penis.
for a time, there exist two distinct classes of celebrity: today's stars, and those stars from the early 21st century who are aging out and too old for the procedure. uncomfortable reminders of an imperfect body from an imperfect time, with their leaking valves and clenching ports. "b-roles for a-holes" becomes the new film industry slogan.
"outside the atrium, in the bewildering brightness of the noonday sun, an armada of mime leaf blowers flitted and lurched around the grounds, where they proved wholly ineffective at their appointed task. inside, within his climate controlled cube, portly fiendish dreamt of removing his own anus. its very existence had become an affront to him. it roused him angrily awake in the morning and berated him to sleep each night."
in the beginning, stars will of course lie about having the procedure done, much in the same way they might about a nose job. they'll be seen eating in public, only to be waited on by a staff of comfort attendants later that night, who use microscopic lasers to disintergrate the food before it requires digestion.
and then there's the backlash, with drexel ratch taking a dump on the red carpet at his latest premiere to prove that he's "old school."
"through dendrite augmentation, jurgen had elevated his entire body to the sensitivity of a nipple. now, encased within the plush interior of the toys+ joy+ comfort isolation egg that he kept in his singapore apartment, he was reduced to quiet cooing as the feeler pods moved in small circular motions across his skin. he hadn't bathed in weeks, eaten in days.
when the company men finally hacked his door several weeks later, they had to surgically remove jurgen from within the egg, which had embedded itself in his emaciated body at several sensitive points of contact."
the first high profile case of dendrite augmentation gone awry occurs several weeks later. famed startup billionaire snowy jenkins flies his helicopter straight into the side of the un buliding during his morning commute to the rooftop landing pad. fears of sabotage are dispelled when the remants of the cockpit feed are unscrambled. jenkins had apparently switched on the dendrite augmentation in his ass and fingers. footage proportedly shows him writhing ecstatically as the wind currents picked up. autopilot off, leading to what one official described as quote unquote "jenkins fatally fondling the flight stick from controlled flight to terminal impact."
"while this is a tragic accident, our client signed the waiver agreement and understood the risk," toys+ declares in an official statement. "with great joy comes great responsibility." jenkin's estate announces plans to pursue a negligent death lawsuit. "toys+ maintains a premium customer service model. furthermore, they were well aware of the surgical alterations to mr. jenkin's frontal cortex. this is as if toys+ sold an atomic disintegrator to an impulsive child."
"inside the plushness of the comfort egg, the soothing tones of tibetan mood bells and the scent of synthetic jasmine had prepped jurgens for the extended dendrite stimulus session to follow. he queued a spool of late 20th-century airline disasters, followed by highlights from last summer's protein riots, closed his eyes, and breathed deeply. the soft hum of the feeler pods kicked in, and he was off."
"felix adagio eased the seat back and adjusted the comfort straps in the pod. he was long overdue for a sensorium reboot."
"hoesteddler hadn't seen another person in weeks, encased as she was in the embryonic stasis of her comfort egg, her feed an endless loops of fjords. she dialled in childhood summer. soon, the scent of freshly cut grass and the sticky sweetness of lime green popsicles filled her senses as the feeler pods began roaming across her skin.
thirty floors below, ieds exploded in the square, disabling the riot bots and enabling the rioters to overrun the mezzanine. the guards inside were sub wage and hoofed it out the other side of the lobby. the crowd surged upstairs like a wave a sewage, torching and smashing.
the news feeds were saying that france had been nuked.
one of the shuttle pilots apparently a sleeper agent, flew his shuttle directly into the fuel cells of the catherine wheel, blowing the entire station. 15,000+ dead. all civilian flights cancelled. earthbound, everyone.
and so the wealthy still living planetside redoubled their personal defense grids. gated communities morphed into private military compounds. defense measures escalated from non-lethal to lethal. rocket grids and auto flamers became the norm. limos were festooned with anti-personnel lasers. the green zone became a zone without mercy.
the mob streamed upstairs. someone had gotten their hands on the riot guns and passed them out. doors blew off hinges. hell was minutes away from hoesteddler and her digital reverie."
xi.
toys+ and green zone premium entertainment present: poverty ragers. an outrageous new recon-drone comedy-doc hosted by paris hilton iii and effeminate eurasian guy.
"poor people are always so mad about stuff."
"omigod, i want her shoes."
"poor people can be so stylish."
"totally."
tune in each week. you won't believe how the other 97.34% live!
after that, check out the toys+ new neo-pop western classics. the classics, retold with your favorite digitspool stars. first up, the miley cyrus literary pack:
miley simone de beauvoir in it's simone, bitch
next on a spy in the house of miley- miley gets high and hangs out with midget twin sisters
henry, june, and miley
i know why the caged miley sings
in miley begins responsibilty
the unberable lightness of being miley
xii.
chauncey justice is the enticer. "one way or another, he'll have his way with you." "chauncey painted a dirty brown smear across the scope of dilly's horizon. there would be no cookouts in the red zone tonight."
chauncy justice is the carnage messiah. "his cure is worse than the cause."
shuggoth in a retirement home: a chauncy justice ultrafeed.
tina turner plays an off-world madame with no legs in do andriods dream of eclectic tweets?
artemis spoolboy is the cock of the walk.
straights jernigan is the eldritch hustler. tagline: "in the strangest of ways, he gets it on time."
drexel ratch as drexel ratch in bit-part actor.
rezillo oswego is the garroter with a heart of gold. "a kinder severer of throats you could not hope to encounter."
portly fiendish is the post-organic cowboy, in fat guy with a shock prod
shit shiners. a new comedy of manners starring minky starshine.
butter abattoir hosts urine tank. "the show where each week we immerse a variety of objects in urine, so that you don't have to."
floater: the outrageous new comedy starring ratch brisket.
artemis kreplach is the feces thrower. "raised by wolves, he knew no shame."
monty, the attention span vampire, in soap box star patrol
chance cabbage is the shrill vagrant
chauncy justice and drexel ratch star in dropship pleasure party massacre. the sequel to orbital symbiote platform cannibal.
next week on shallow bastard squad: auger boarswain picks up an offworld strain of rauthian crabs and stops by red vic's rod shop for much needed upkeep.
tonight on shallow bastard squad: artemis spoolboy and auger boatswain get themselves into a spot of bother with the local constabulary, and find that auger's napalm flamethrower becomes their new best friend.
next on shit talkers, "diapers" mccandless reacts poorly to an unwelcome surprise, and butt piper gives shack jack a taste of his own medicine.
last week on the fiendish quartile: "hey, that's my sexbot you're jacking into!" "it's okay, i've been velvet proofed!"
evacuation bros, a new comedy about getting out just in the nick of time. with shane bradley and chase bivouac.
drexel ratch as drexel ratch in the arch van allen cannibal musical the day everything became diseased and died. co-starring barclay "i'm afriad of armenians" stoolminder.
mai epperbong stars in waxing the bot pout. a tale of circuitry and obsession.
"shirty" montbatton stars in the nazi ergonomics specialist.
"i would ne'er renounce my lord, not for all the xboxes in christendom," spat sir christopher defiantly.
love in the time of inertial dampening, a novel by prims fortitude, now adapted for spoolfeed.
beethoven sugar, transgender stim tab dealer extraordinaire, opens up about his recent off-world visit and the post-op results of his/her recent procedure. all of this and more in the next yankee bastard, the premiere feed for your dose of green zone culture.
xiii.
join digit spool tastemakers chelsea warmaker and chad boatswain as they unveil this season's edgiest fashions at the auschwitz performance space. later, cannibal sculptor chud hosts a shocktrooper dj event at the belsen dance klub that you won't want to miss. click track. flashback!
says performance artist viva la frenzy about auschwitz: "it's such a powerful space to work in, you know? really authentic energy. so much stuff went down here. and buildings remember. you know?"
next, post-transgendered effeminate latino dishes on red zone fashion faux pas (claymore misfires!), who's hot, who's not, and what personal defense accessories keep you safe while making you look fab.
green zone designer boris clitoris had this to say:
“it is no longer enough to say ‘the clothes make the woman’ no. i think we need a new saying. ‘the clothes and the personal defense measures make the woman’”
a runway fashion show where the models are death row inmates. the marc jacobs "lethal injection" spring line. shivving on the runway.
toys+ and marc jacobs present weaponized fashion for the corporate setting. fashions designed with conflicting patterns and stripes that are subtle enough not to be immediately noticed, but that eventually cause nosebleeds and seizures upon sustained viewing. the marc jacobs spring line of seizure wear.
xiv.
next on celebrity huntress: former child star massacre edition: killer fashion, where we take an exclusive sneak peak at marc chabot's landmine defusing hemp sandals, and a bunch of killer new personal protection wear:
- explosive body corset
- eviscerator gloves
- narcotic dart pasties
- napalm jelly swimwear
- taser lipbalm
- laser mascara
and join brinkley la fev as he unveils his summer collection of anti-personnel casual wear. the vibe is chill. the mood is deadly.
join us on nihilism today as we interview men on fire. followed by jenny mccarthy iii skinned alive in a freak makeover disaster. and tune into to gimble brinkley vs. charity biscuits, v2.
after that, toys+ partners with green zone premium entertainment to bring you america's funniest sexbot mishaps, hosted by turnigan foulmore.
then tune into the heckler and koch automatic weapons hour, hosted by your sergeant at arms, bud romack.
xv.
tom sizemore, caught attempting to stow away on a food transport bound for an off-world colony. tom sizemore caught attempting to counterfeit toys+ sexbots. tom sizemore's got the off-world pleasure liner blues. tom sizemore is the off-world party crasher!
xvi.
gauntly nighthawk stars in midnight spool hack. "he'll be there and back with gauzzian offset module tracers before you've even jacked in."
hortipence swithins is distortion block mamma.
...hortipence had the elite shocktrooper in a headlock in one thick arm, and beat him ceaslessly about the head with the tablelamp. clang! clang! goes the tin of his helmet with each blow. his vision is dulling, his head is swimming, his hand going limp and sloppy on the handle of his luger, still half encased in its holster. his legs give out, yet still hortipence holds him upright. clang! clang!
drexel ratch find himself menaced by the cannibal spinster. "it's not her cats you need to fear."
frankie teardrop. a two-bit used sexbot dealer outta tucson. got waxed last night in a skingrab gone bad. there's just bones left in the recon feed.
geronimo backside is the accidental inseminator. “the heavens opened wide their bowels, and i sang like an electric leper. like electric eels in custard, we wept."
toys+ blows the lid of celeb scandals tonight: nesbit o'reilly, host of the popular persapp game show pucker factor, was apparently found disemboweled inside his comfort egg, according to inside sources. toys+ celebrity investigation drones sleuth out the real deal and beam it straight to your spoolfeed. don't miss it.
priestly quantex in bad piggies!
one word novels. streamline your entertainment.
cha-cha gonad and xnay turner in with six you get creampie
“the code change was a trivial thing” she said, lacing her stilettos.
chase bivouac hosts that rad new prank show that everyone's talking about, larynx crushers
father john seabiscuit reluctantly reprises his role as klondike reg in hardtack for christmas
pleasure of pain garden veggie smoothie. available only at rick’s café s&m fantastique suborbital urinal snack bars. for the discerning off-world traveler. a toys+ subsidiary.
artemis’s suborbital snack shack. “fill your off-world hole with orbital chunk nuggets”
artemis spoolboy stars in bark like a sexbot
bartlby thighscratcher and remington trullio are the sexbot techs. “hardwired for trouble”
govinda consuelo is the knife thrower's assistant. "a pointed tale of love and good aim."
company bad boy drexel ratch shows us just how bad a corporate-sanctioned rebel can really get in rebel with a company gold card. it's out of sight!
drexel ratch plays the man with the electronic nose. spool it now!
drexel ratch as drexel ratch in bad boy buddha.
bad boy buddha jacks the ambassador's limo with a reverse polarity car bomb, slips the narcotic into the airvent of the security room, plants the gps tag on air force one, snipes the secretary of defense with an anthrax javelin from 200 yards.
monte “data fingers” trumbly stars in eldritch data query
wentworth and taylor. specializing in cruel jewelry since 1972.
dr. h aloysius nosegay, procurer of fine nosestuffs for discerning underworld gentlemen.
rolliment flambe laid us all out like accommodating 3am data miners.
reanimappalooza: featuring long dead musical acts reanimated using toys+ patented cyborg and brain algorithm fractal reconstruction technology.
join your host teddy von kristov as he welcomes gonad oswego, author of pre-feed tube folies.
barrisford throckman: lover. lawn care specialist. viking.
beezlebub acres: a retirement home for the damned.
apple acres. where digital souls are put to pasture.
bathed in holy fire, the new lost album by david koresh and the branch davidians.
chutney bongo is your host for tonight’s episode of gooch fever!
arrow in the eye. a new musical by bongo underthrush.
bongo chutney stars in gay service droid way station.
fresh from his star turn as the turtle euthanizer, bongo chutney stars as binge hatewatcher
“they don’t teach ya this in flight school,” drawled tex, pulling the daschund from this underpants.
of bongo praxley, toys+ investment guru, we say he lived beyond the reaches of plausible deniability.
jive touched down in atro city with the blue dawn of pornography. set his filter to autokill. sipped another mcluhan on the rocks with an atrocity twist of lime.
stansfeld la pren, noted self-help author and post-organic, will be reading from his new memoir, "of sabre tooths and moonbeams." skip it at your peril.
xvii.
tune into spoolhacker and find out how this convicted felon will change the way you think about comfort eggs. and an interview with snoop dawgdawg v, star of the hit surveillance feed, snoopsnoop.
confessions of a comfort egg repair guy:
"i hacked 2,200 feeds. i know exactly what you've got dialled in inside that egg. for a 1,000 credits, i'll keep it to myself."
xviii.
asian rock shrimp rubbed, spring-water infused fragmentation mine. grain-fed, farm-bred velocity slugs. extra virgin olive oil infused garrote wire. free range, non-gmo recon drone. artisinal hand-crafted, woodoak aged, cheddar jack rubbed anti-personal hover drone.
xix.
spoolshot:
meet shig t. skatchwelder. occupation: pro spool watcher. sponsores: toys+ corp; beta group subsidiary insurer thomas hodge agnostic lllc; asai industries' crimethink group. "i've always known i was destined to go pro. always was a devoted audience member since i was a kid. i'm just good at commenting really, i guess, and watching stuff." total spin connex: 4.78 million. watch shig in xtreme view off, as he watches 72 hours of freestyle recon footage from last summer's protein riots on mining rock l-47. featuring a half-time performance by sheena 4.0 and the sundry orgasm equity enhancers.
meet fax crudite. occupation: spool comm spec. "guar 1 mill spoolshots in under 30 cycles. or $ back!"
babydoc and the auto compilers. caster crap leisure scarring. chk yr offsets there, pedro covariance. skatchjockey fallout. fenderstein spool shot. 50 augs/38k hits. transplanar view freq. in situo. cranial rift, fer sure!
xx.
artemis spoolboy is the sexbot whisperer.
this week, artemis investigates a strange whistling from within the crankshaft of the sheena 4.0 model, and finds near-lethal spore capability.
tonight on the eunice pump: eunice cracks a few comfort eggs to make a tasty shell corporation admit to its malfeasance.
artemis spoolboy teams up with drexel ratch, in sexbot cop: the quickening.
artemis spoolboy in sexbot with 1,000 eyes
artemis spoolboy in a symphony of sexbots
"feel your spine tingle with terror and expectation. you won't believe your eyes when these sexbots whirr into action!"
(location: kansas. abandoned sexbot reclamation facility. camera pans across warehouse floor, moves closer and we see a red glowing orb amongst the dust and ruin.)
exclaimed artemis, "it's...covered in fronds. a-a-and cold to the touch!"
xxi.
artisinal death clips, hosted by bon iver and a series of bearded correspondents. watch the very best in fatal self-filmed hipster mishaps. brought to you by gopro.
episode 1: fixed gear bike mishaps, brooklyn
episode 2: capri pants snafu, durham
episode 3: record store conflict management gone wrong, london
episode 4: shoegazer missteps, north philadelphia
episode 5: vegan waitstaff imbroglio, san francisco
episode 6: apple store genius pushed too far, portland
episode 7: etsy store massacre, charlotte
episode 8: vinyl scouting outing turned deadly, detroit
episode 9: scarf-on-vintage-bike decapitations, new orleans
episode 10: espresso machine mishap, carrboro
episode 11: macrobiotic kidney infections, austin
episode 12: bass player mishap, brooklyn
episode 13: acute pbr poisoning, seattle
episode 14: bike party in the wrong part of town, baltimore
xxii.
0101- the synthetic comedy show that goes too far.
"comedy for synthetics. by synthetics."
zeros and ones, the crazy new "in-situo" dramedy for robots.
001010010110101? no! 0101010101!!!!!!!!
rabbit pellet radio hour. a weekly radio show where the only sound is that of rabbits shitting. essential.
xxiii.
module wainscott stars as the eldritch data tech.
"our servers have been behaving strangely ever since that new data tech showed up. and machines begin to hum, lights bulbs flicker, when he walks past."
"have you noticed how he speaks in ellispses? something's not quite right about him, but i'm not sure what."
"i was in the corporate meditation garden last week when he walked by. i noticed the wind change direction. and are those sigils in his cubicle?"
"have you noticed how he never eats, just sips that green liquid that he brings to work?"
next week on eldritch data tech:
"great scott!! the servers seem to be...summoning a being from beyond space and time! could it even be?"
eldritch data tech. you've never seen ghosts in the machine like this before.
eldritch data tech. malware is the least of your worries.
eldritch data tech. mining the data in ways heretofore unimaginable.
eldritch data tech. hold onto something. your sanity data packets are gonna get lossy.
eldritch data tech. there's no emoticon for how he'll make you feel.
xxiv.
ratch, justice, and paxguarde: traders of equities, derives, and fine submersibles
powers and undertow: purveyors of artisinal majicks
carruthers and douchgarde: suppliers of imported distortion grids
fast edward's grox box mod shop
smithers and smiters: builders of bespoke hovercraft
bastard: a bespoke tweedery for corporate sociopaths
ghost tourist agency: discreet off-world atrocity package tours
xxv.
oedipus tex stars in showdown at the incest coral.
oedipus tex is the fatherfucker.
oedipus tex in take it where you sit, volume 7
hobo dan and oedipus tex star in please direct me to the abattoir
xxvi.
toys+ presents: life substitutes. hire them when you just can’t deal. we’ll memory wipe them then implant them with the necessary memories from your own mind. chill at home while they do the stuff you don’t wanna deal with. funerals, exams, job interviews, confrontations. results guaranteed. mandatory memory wipe down upon completion.
*not responsible for identity theft or other unexpected personality incursions.
toys+ presents pocketwomb. the external attachable womb for men who want to carry babies.
toys+ teams with mood tuners, inc. to make team players out of even the staunchest of individuals.
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p danforth and sons: specialists in sub-cutaneous mood enhancement. proven results. available for private and military contracts. experience tuning 5,000 subjects across 8 continents. dedicated black ops facility. won landmark 2034 case allowing 23% increase over un mood tuning threshold. "nobody pushes subjects harder, in the quasi-legal sense."
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mood tuning by breakwell and hotchkiss, enhanced mood adjusters since 2003.
dreams inadequate? live someone else's with toys+ dreamtraders, inc.
toys+ present gender-neutral genatalia. "out new line of pluralistic sex organs won't limit your identity to narrowly assigned conventional gender norms."
pocket bitch 2.0, the new app from toys+. "this app wants to make you its bitch."
it's ladies nueral dampening night at hackerzzz- first mindwipe is free!
xxvii.
government-sanctioned rape parks. sub-orbital bubblegum farms. off-world symbiote colonies. garrote-friendly pedestrian zones. welcome to the 22nd-century world of rogue template drexel ratch. born bad because they programmed him that way.
xxviii.
chuck gooch trades a kidney for dinner with a b-list movie star. tonight on captive dreams.
chuck gooch wakes up in a different body in each episodes, with no explanation. tonight on captive dreams.
chuck gooch invents anti-white privilege breath mints. pops one in his mouth when he feels a bout of white privilege coming on.
chuck gooch fronts a band in new orleans, where he bangs his dick on a trash can lid, to an audience of approving onlookers. tonight on captive dreams.
chuck gooch visits doomsday waterpark, and samples their award winning ribs, sliders, and chicken. tonight on captive dreams.
chuck gooch investigates the shameful gaming industry practice of outsourcing boss battles. tonight on captive dreams.
chuck gooch harrangues passers by about their signal-to-noise ratios. tonight on captive dreams.
chuck gooch crashes a brooklyn bris, and brings with him a custom japanese-made sexbot. tonight on captive dreams.
chuck gooch moonlights as an alcholic, psychic talk-show host. tonight on captive dreams.
chuck gooch interviews off-world cowboys who ride plastic horses. tonight on captive dreams.
chuck gooch visits a glue factory for retired performance artists. tonight on captive dreams.
chuck gooch attempts to destroy all rational thought. tonight on captive dreams.
chuck gooch impersonates a soggy parapelegic with a fondness for hang gliding. tonight on captive dreams.
chuck gooch finds himself in central park during legal garroting hours, and resorts to cannibalism. tonight on captive dreams.
xxvii.
new from toys+. import the likenesses of you fave 20th-century b-list actors into customized made-to-order spool feeds. available in v1.0: judd nelson, tom sizemore, asia argento, nathan fillion. add these just-shy-of-awesome semi-stars to your custom spool feed and ride a wave of 20th century b-list awesome! first 10,000 subscribers get nalothenien crystal miners of l-47, starring judd nelson 2.0 and nathan fillion mk iii.
xxviii.
toys+ brings you the sounds of summer with the latest hippest sounds:
epigram & the fontaine's new song trundle me in the abbatoir. out now on forgiveness.
ginger o'shea and the red zone wastrels latest release feel like eatin' flesh on the red zone imprint.
xxix: in the future, employers shall conduct audits of employee's social feeds to see if a baseline of virtue signalling has been met. raises and advancements are denied for those who don't indicate a baseline of virtue signaling. toys+ introduces a virtue-signalling app for social media that uses advanced language algorithms to impart a level of wokeness to your posts that are in keeping with your authentic voice. the toys+ wokeaf app.
xxix.
toys+ introduces a line of celebrity body odor colognes and perfumes:
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sport the bitter manly stereoid-laden sweat of corporate-sanctioned bad boy drexel ratch
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go bold with the eye-watering scent of spicy flatulence from indian feed star ***x
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make the rich boys cry with the manicured perfection of the courtney warmonger cooze collection. "smells like lilacs and popsicles"
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drop 'em with the slap of point-blank halitosis when you slather on the chase bivouac belch collection